A Healthy Dose of Controversy

Sometimes I just feel like being disagreeable. Of course, I'd rather have a valid reason, such as, I genuinely believe that something is wrong, or someone's an idiot. But other times, it just comes down to my own self indulgence, like early in the morning, when all I have to do is get out of bed before I'm ready. When I can find no other reason to be disagreeable, it's a sure thing that sleep deprivation takes the blame.
Whenever possible, I try to give others the courtesy of prefacing my disgruntled, unpleasant disposition with something like, "Such-and-such-a-thing just happened, and I don't like it, and here's what I think ought to happen,", or "So-and-so is an ass without a clue, and I'd rather not work with him/her", or "Please don't talk to me, right now. I'm so not a morning person." It's beats the alternative, "How about a nice glass of shut the hell up!", doesn't it? I believe in the fair warning thing, you know?
Whatever the reasons or circumstances, I know it's just got to come out. I reason with myself that I didn't raise enough hell as a child, always the good seed, the goody-two-shoes of the family. Mind you, I'm not talking about missing out on that Nanny 911 child hellion foolishness, which by the way, I'm convinced is staged for T.V. and ratings. (No child is that damned bad.) But I was just your garden variety, too good for my own good type of kid, compliant, even when I disagreed; the one who never got into a scuffle on the playground, or rarely objected when someone cut in the lunch line, stubbied up my crayons, ate my dessert or drank my Kool-aid.
But when I consider the venting and debate swirling about everything from popularity, to people in power, to politics, to pop culture, to the politics of pop culture, to the pop culture of politics, I tell myself that it's all relative. Consider these examples: I know I'm not the only one who wonders why the heck Paris Hilton is so intriguing for no good reason. She's rich. She's cute. Her grandfather was once married to Elizabeth Taylor. Her mom had a recurring role on Family Affair. Why do I know all this? Hell, she intrigues me, and it bugs me to death. When did Lionel Richie's daughter grow up, and why are she and Lindsay Lohan so skinny? How and when did Sean Penn become such a stick-in-the-mud? (Didn't we love him as Spicoli?) Why doesn't somebody tell Britney Spears to stop frequenting public bathrooms in her bare feet?
I don't know why Oprah has so much power, but I'm enthralled by it, even pleased, though it drives others mad. And who can tell me why Tom Cruise and Scientology get so much press coverage? Are there any poor people who are Scientologists? Are they even allowed in? Is there an application for it? Did anybody see Condi Rice's new hairstyle? Is the illegal immigrant work force really the pillar holding up the U.S. economy? Did the CIA plan the Kennedy assassinations or engineer the September 11th tragedies? What about these elusive weapons of mass destruction and allegations of government sanctioned genocide? Is blogging just a passing fad like the dot-com boom? Is the real estate bubble really about to burst? Is someone just scamming us? Why do lottery winners have to pay taxes twice? And why the hell are gas prices going back up? Well, dog gone it, we've all got something to say about any or all of that stuff, and I tell you, it's a good thing we do.
Everybody has a need to take a stand for or against something every now and then. As the saying goes, "stand for something or fall for anything." Why shouldn't we raise our voices with our suspicions? It's a healthy reaction that would ideally be followed by healthy pro-action. (If only.) I believe a healthy dose of controversy wards off ulcers and aneurysms, kind of like that apple that we once believed kept the doctor at bay. Some of us are genuinely ill about a situation, others just like to stir up a batch of arguments for recreational purposes, and others are just dispute-a-holics. Either way, to your health, I say! (Picture a glass of sparkling cider being raised here. I had to do something with all those apples, right?)

A Matter of Perspective

There are dates in our lives that are indelibly etched into our consciousness. Some that overwhelm us with joy, and others that cripple us with grief, and many emotions in between. In much the same way that music plays a soundtrack to our lives, there are dates that live forever inside us and live on after us.
Many of us will remember the ongoing email that circulated a few years back which talked about things like the worth of a basketball in my hands (about $10), and the worth of that same ball in Michael Jordan's hands (several million dollars); the worth of a few fish and loaves in my hands (a few fish sandwiches), and the same in the hands of God (meals for thousands). The email's message was, that it's all a matter of perspective.
Can you remember exactly what you were doing on September 11, 2001, January 16, 1991, July 20, 1969, November 22, 1963, April 4, 1968, February 3, 1959, June 6, 1944, December 7, 1941, November 27, 1998? Some of these dates, some of us will remember vividly. And for some of them, we may not have even been born. For at least one of them, many of you will draw a complete blank. And then, there are those which we only recognize from our history books or parents' and grandparents' recollections.
The Normandy Invasion, the King Assassination, the Kennedy Assassination, Pearl Harbor attacks, World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks, Operation Desert Storm, the day my nephew was born, the day that music died, the day man set foot on the moon. I'll leave it to you to match the dates with their respective events, but whatever any of these dates mean or don't mean to you, it's a matter of your own perspective. On some of these dates, our faith was tested and shaken, on others it was renewed, and some of us are still trying to regain the equilibrium we once had preceding these dates and the events that marked them.
I'm sure that changing perspectives is a matter of personal experience, as much as the value and importance of people, places, things and events are a matter of perspective. There are so many jolting dates in my past, present and future that cannot ever be fully explored or explained, but these are the dates that have shaped and will shape me and my values. I expect that we all have such dates. The U.S. Marine Corps has a slogan that says, "The Change is Forever". Well, I suppose it's a matter of perspective, isn't it?

Choosing Your Bridges (A Question of Motives and Results)

Once I got it into my head that "I'm grown", able to say and do as I please, it occurred to me that I could also raise my voice and be heard, or stand up and be recognized, or both, if the inclination so struck me. I decided that I would not be the pushover who ruled my childhood and adolescence, even developing a few passive-aggressive tendencies along the way. (Every super hero has her weaknesses, right?) These tendencies have their down side, certainly, but what tools! Kind of like Wonder Woman's lasso of truth or bulletproof bracelets. You know, just something you use in a pinch, but can also be used against you, or even on you.
Some of us remember the episode of Wonder Woman when the villains wrapped her in her lasso and forced her divulge the location of Paradise Island. Whew! What a mess that almost was. Okay, so I'm no Wonder Woman, by any stretch of the imagination, but just like anyone else, I sometimes forget or neglect my own strength and the possible damage it can do.
When provoked, I consider myself a master of words weaponry, but it's not always easy to control. I expect that's the only super power I'll ever get, so I best harness it.
We all have the power to pick battles with our words, and burn bridges with our actions or lacks thereof. These are conscious decisions that will yield definite results. Sometimes the results are not those we hope or intend. There are some bridges that need burning, some battles that need to be picked. I am constantly aware that I must be selective in these tasks. And considering that the world seems to be getting ever smaller, and how it seems to turn on a wheel, i.e., what goes around comes around, the task of battle picking and bridge burning requires much more thought than the split second it takes to jump on the bandwagon to nowhere or to get pissed off and protect my pride.
Before picking my battles, I'd do well to consider my motives and the possible results. The motive questions are these: What's the real damage that I'm causing or preventing? What's the real benefit that I'm cultivating or stifling? Am I using my energy wisely or just feeding my own arrogance? The results questions are these: Will this action soil reputations, malign records, or cause some irreparable damage, and is that my intent? Will my intentions help me or come back to haunt me? Will the battle I pick now burn a bridge that I may later need to cross?
Answering these questions helps me make well-informed, even if not wise choices. Will I, or someone else lose life, limb, or livelihood if I do or don't do this thing? Maybe I'm picking a fight or severing ties to preserve my sanity, promote my own good health or ensure someone else's safety. Or maybe I'm just needling at someone or something because it amuses me, and the only thing at stake is pride or bragging rights. I have to know and really consider the answers before I act.
Am I sure that I'll never need to cross this way again? Do I really want to slap that security guard who asked for my identification to enter the building where I work? Maybe he should recognize me. Maybe he's new here. Maybe he even deserves it. But is it worth it? He may need to escort me to my car or help me hail a taxi one day. Do I really want to turn this thing into a media circus, play the race card, and risk my own constituents calling me pretentious?
George Wallace, a now infamous former governor of Alabama, once presumed to lock students out of the University of Alabama, and was quoted as saying, "Segregation Today. Segregation Tomorrow. Segregation Forever!", among many other ill-chosen, ill-advised or ignorant remarks. Sometime later, Wallace was shot and paralyzed, and required care and assisted living from people of the very race for whom he had demonstrated such contempt. Sure, that's an extreme case of poor bridge selection, and a heaping dose of irony to boot, but that's the battle he picked, and I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time; but don't they all?
The short answer is this: If there is any chance that your decision will come back to harm you more than help you, hold the match and save the bridge. There will be plenty of other opportunities to be the mouse that roared. Or not.

Do You Know What You Need?

I could have titled this entry, "Read This, If You Know What's Good For You", but eh. The fact is, I don't always know what's good for me (or anyone else), unless I'm thinking in hindsight. It certainly is 20/20. Then what is foresight? Near-sightedness? I usually tend to think so.
On the other side, that is, the under side of thirty, I often couldn't manage to see past the next minute. I think it was an attention span thing. Now, that I'm a little more seasoned, I have days when I can see clean through to the next hour. I read more, now. An old professor once told me that reading would do the trick. It helps.
On my best days, I know exactly what I want from life, and exactly how much I intend to put into life to get it. I can see the purpose of getting up early, engaging in daily exercise for my health and what's left of my figure. I can see the purpose of regular dental exams, to hopefully retain all my original teeth, should I live to be my grandmother's age. I can see that the best looking guy in the room is not necessarily the best guy for me. I understand why people save for retirement and children's college funds. I can see the reason for shredding pre-approved credit card applications, and paying off bills on time. Did anyone else get those calls from Citibank warning that you'd wouldn't have good credit again until you were 30? Joke's on them. I didn't need good credit until I turned 30. I didn't want a mortgage, my own apartment, or a late model car until I had a real job. (Ha, ha.)
My grandma used to have a saying about her grandchildren, those of us who didn't know the real meaning of life of the value of work. Every time she'd have to dig in her bosom or under her mattress to pull us out of a tight spot, she'd say something like, "Umph, umph, umph." Picture her shaking her head at this. "My children. Work to buy what you want, then beg for what you need." This was her way of saying that we were so focused on what we wanted when we wanted it, that we couldn't see clearly enough to taking care of our basic needs. You know, stuff like gasoline money, food, rent. Then, she'd fork over the money. She was, and still is, the ultimate matriarchal fixer.
I'd usually comment something about how I just needed the right break to get the right job. I go on to complain about the woes of the recent college graduate working at a Taco Bell. "I don't need that kind of grief." She'd pretend to be listening, but really focusing on the new sneakers or outfit I'd be wearing. "I've got a college degree, for goodness sake. Forty thousand dollars says I'm better than this."
Then she'd remind me how that perfect job in the pie factory, her metaphor for sitting on my butt, leaning back in a chair, eating pie all day, was not likely to come along. She'd say that God has put me in that hell hole called the fast food industry for a reason. Okay, she didn't call it a hell hole. Then, apparently, He'd put me in the package shipping industry, tossing boxes during the graveyard shift. Later, there was a stint at the local chicken factory, a tool and die works, a paper company, which at that point was the closest I'd come to being a writer, and still later, mentoring and supervising hard-headed teens and very young adults. Lately, I'm in a job that takes me all over the world on a regular basis, and doesn't pay me squat for the trouble. A job, mind you, where all the wrong people are in charge; but I suppose that's a different blog entry.
To let her tell it, I was exactly where I needed to be at the time. In fact, I'm exactly where I need to be now. Somebody needed me then. Somebody needs me now. Or perhaps, I'm the one whose life needed or needs to be touched in a particularly way. Back to the Quantum Leap theory. "All things, in His time," she says. "Not yours."
I have days when I concede that she's right. She must be. So far, there's no pie eating job on the horizon. On these days, I remind myself that I need adversity, struggle, disappointment, and a little frustration and controversy to grow. There's a person whom I'm intended to be, whom I am still becoming. In the process, I'm helping others to become whoever they need to be. Yep. My grandma has a way of putting a nice spin on things. Of course, it helps that I believe in God, and His master plan, though at present, I'm not privy to what it is. I might as well be cool with that, and keep my plans flexible, as it seems that God is up there laughing at my plans.
I understand that many people don't believe in God or the concept of God, but this is what helps me make sense of things that otherwise make no sense. I mean, how else do you explain idiots being in charge of stuff, taking all the credit and none of the blame? (Oh yeah, that's for another blogging.)
However we choose to make sense of it, maybe it will help us to be conscious of the fact that what we want, is not always what we need, and what we need at certain times in our lives, will not always coincide with what we want. Taking occasional inventory of our needs and reconsidering our wants will likely unclutter our lives and make room for our real destinies. At the very least, doing so will keep us on the right track.

Already Somebody - Taking Self-Inventory

Once upon a time in my life, I was all but consumed by the thought of not being as far along in my career, education or personal life as I'd expected to be. I've since given up the time line that I once wore like a saddle. Did I mention that I once wanted to be a cowgirl when I grew up? Maybe in an earlier post. Turns out, I'm afraid of horses, which I found out at the county fair, after my uncle had paid a dollar for me to ride the pony.
There were also the more practical aspirations, including teacher, carpenter, bus driver, policeman, fireman, doctor, lawyer, judge, President of the United States, fairy princess, rocket designer, race car driver, astronaut, artist, comic strip writer, mouseketeer, and Queen of England, not exactly in that order. Okay, and not all of them realistic, either. Somewhere mixed in there, I was going to be the next Betty Crocker, Beverly Johnson, and/or Foxy Brown. I even had already decided on which products I would endorse, and who would play me in the movie version of my life. And this was all before the age of ten.
Whatever I would become, I always knew I wanted to be somebody. In high school and college, the career goals became a little more focused, though no less ambitious. I wanted to be an engineer once, but that's way too much math for me. I tried my luck as beauty queen, then model, then part-time, unpaid actor. I waited tables, answered a switchboard, and applied to law school, as a way of paying dues. At some fork in the road, I made a sharp left or a sharp right to the U.S. Army. At least once every other day, I ask the question, "What the hell am I doing here?" But I less frequently wonder about where all my stuff is, that I once wanted and why it's taking so long. I try to be content that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be at this particular point in my life. It doesn't always make sense to me, but it is what it is.
We would all do well to take an occasional self-inventory, a personal examination into who we are as individuals. Getting to know ourselves on the inside is key to embracing that we are all already somebody. My theory is that if we're good people on the inside, then it is easier to like ourselves. Self-like equals self esteem. When we like ourselves, we are more inclined to make good choices for ourselves. If we choose to like the somebody we are on the inside, then we're less likely to be concerned with our images on the outside. At this point, we can make healthy, informed, and inspired choices to aspire to be more, or to do more. When we rush through our lives in pursuit of a certain image, or lifestyle, or celebrity status, we push ourselves too far, too fast, and often in the wrong direction, over lines that shouldn't be crossed. Sometimes, we move so fast and with such urgency, we don't even notice or recognize the lines.
I think the Faith Hill song, The Secret of Life got a lot of it right. Particularly, there's a line that says, "try not to hurry. Don't wait." I take it to mean that we shouldn't wait on life to happen to us. Live life to the fullest, but not in a hurry. We can enjoy life without speeding through it, just as we can pursue our goals without trying to put a rush on our destinies. We can put so much focus on getting stuff or getting to a certain place or status in life, that we miss out on the joy of the journey. Before you know it, we may end up with too much credit, or too much plastic surgery, and still can't face our images in the mirror.
I realize that some of us don't like ourselves on the outside, because there is likely something missing on the inside of us. Maybe our self-esteem or sense of self-worth has been damaged by someone, some event, or some external conditioning that we have allowed to influence our opinions of ourselves (magazines, T.V., movies, etc.) Some of us need to be taught to think for ourselves. Some of us are just too lazy to think for ourselves. And then there are some of us who are just bad people on the inside, who try to fool ourselves into believing that changing the outside will disguise it. But that's a whole other problem.

Are You In a Doomed Relationship?

Before you read any further, let me just say it. I don't know. Of course I don't know. There are no signs to count. It is what it is. A mess that we choose to stand in, sit in, wallow in, or get the hell out of. (Pardon the dangling prepositions, but they really were necessary to my point.) Anyway, if I had to count the number of "doomed" relationships I've been a part of, I'd be embarrassed to admit the number out loud. But then, once it's over, just thank God that it is.
The thing that puzzles me sometimes is how we choose to remain in relationships that are obviously no good for us, and then look for someone else to help us excuse it or make sense out of it. I've been known to ask questions like, "Well, do you think he really cares about me?" and then follow it up with, "Well, he just has trouble showing it." Or, "I think he loves me, but..." Or, "Sometimes, he really acts like he loves me, but..." But? A couple of buts and two slices of bread will give you a baloney sandwich. And let me not forget my personal favorites, "Well, I've invested so much time and effort into it, I just don't want to give up on it" Or, even better, "I'm not a quitter." Phooey on You-ey! If I were smarter, I would have quit sooner.
Okay, so, some years have passed and I'm infinitely wiser about recognizing and steering clear of doomed relationships. But they're all around me. People I know and love personally. People I read about and see on the tabloid news. Now there are some pieces of work, i.e., the Denise Richards-Charlie Sheen-Richie Sambora-Heather Locklear spectacle, the I'm so frikken frack tired of everybody feeling sorry for Jennifer Anniston nonsense, and there's the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes whatever it is. To that I can just say, God bless America! Oh well. Grown folks with more money and fewer real problems than I'll ever have.
But then a couple of days ago, it came back home, or close enough to it. I had a conversation recently with someone who is clearly in a doomed relationship, but who doesn't want to hear anything about getting out of it, because of reasons like, love, everything she's put into to, and something she's always wanted. Having the past that I do, I fully appreciate all that, but my question to her was, "What good is all that if it kills you?" No, it's not a physically abusive relationship, though, I know many people who can relate to that situation also. But it is a great source of overwhelming stress. If it doesn't kill her first, it may well kill me from worrying about it.
My point is this. Okay, I have a few points, and I'll use these lyrics from a few of my favorite songs to illustrate:
1. A love that tears you down, ain't really love - Mary J. Blige. Take this hint: If you don't get that warm fuzzy feeling, it's not there. Yes, relationships are hard work, but love shouldn't be. If you're giving more than you're getting, or worse yet, if you're getting more than you even want from the source that you're getting it, somebody's not in love. Consider what you're trying to save. Does it want to be rescued? And does it want to be rescued by you?
2. Who is she to tell me about my situation? - Natalie Cole. I don't know your situation, but you do. Take this hint: The name of that song is I'm Catching Hell, though in this song, she's regretting having let go of a good situation, rather than lamenting on staying in a bad one, but you get the point.
3. Someday, somehow, gonna make it all right, but not right now. - Nickel Back. The best I can tell is that this song is about breaking away from an unhealthy situation that just wasn't meant to be. Another hint: Being all right does not always happen instantly.
4. Be what you wanna be. Be strong and tell the world you're free - The Commodores. This is from a song called This is Your Life. It's about doing what you want to do. Good or bad. It is your life. But call it what it is.
5. For five long years, I thought you were my man. But I found out, I'm just a link in your chain. You got me where you want me. I ain't nothing but your fool. You treated me mean. You treated me cruel - Aretha Franklin. Surely, you get her point. If not, see similar themes in Your Love is Like a See-Saw, and Somebody Save Me.
6. You can't hide your lying eyes. And your smile's a thin disguise. - The Eagles. This one talks about motives for getting into doomed relationships in the first place. It makes you think about your real reasons for getting into and staying in certain situations.
Consider this: If you're maintaining/sustaining a relationship because of your pride, fear, feigned ignorance or some twisted sense of convenience, guilt or obligation, then you needn't keep asking the question, hoping someone will validate your reasons for staying. In fact, stop that. You already know the answer.
Of course, no relationship is perfect, nor should we expect it to be. I expect that any relationship worth holding onto is hard work. The operative words are worth holding onto. In my limited experience with healthy relationships, I'm sure that do not know all about what love is, though I consider myself familiar with it. But I've had enough extensive experience with unhealthy relationships to know exactly what love is not. I'm sure I'm in good company on that subject.